Dear Dad…Daddy,
You won’t read this. It is impossible to think you would. Mom barely uses the internet and you probably have never logged on to a computer in your life. I say “probably” because I don’t know.
I’m sorry I won’t be calling you today. I don’t have your number. I write this letter in a pointless effort to appease my guilt while maintaining my fragile balance of sanity.
I grew up weird ya know? I’m a worrier. I’ve worried my whole life. I remember wondering what would happen when Jesus came back and freaking the fuck
(sorry) out about it. You comforted me and you read to me about the new earth. “It’s daylight all the time. It’s a good place” you explained. As I was/am scared of the dark, this made me feel better but it’s one of the rare times you really could make me feel better.
Each night as I fell asleep I worried about you and mom. I don’t know why. Did I see some movie where the parents died? Did I know someone with dead parents? Not that I can remember. I just worried about you two. It probably didn’t help that mom worked a second shift which meant she wasn’t there when I got home from school or there when it was bed time. So I would stay up all night until I heard the jingle of her keys as she entered the house. And even then sometimes that wasn’t enough because you were away on the road. And I don’t blame you. I honestly don’t. You were both living in a hard city, raising a load of kids, and there wasn’t a lot of job options. I get it. You take the jobs that put food on the table. Even if you can’t tuck your kid in at night or be there for her sixth grade graduation.
But it’s because of these things that I couldn’t sleep at night. I worried. I worried about all the accidents that you could get in. I worried about all the robbers that could come into mom’s store and hurt her. And sometimes despite all the trying in the world or the exhaustion that a body achieves, I couldn’t go to sleep even with the jangle of moms keys. I needed to hear the idling of your parked semi and the swish of the brakes that said “Dad’s home” before I could sleep and so when I got older I ran.
I ran away to college and stayed there. Because someway, somehow when I was further away from all my family I could imagine them in a happy place and they were all okay. They were fine. It makes no sense, trust me, I know but it worked for me. Somehow.
Ever so often I can’t sleep at night but a few episodes of futurama, home movies, or buffy and with a good dose of melatonin then I’m down. But sometimes i dream and I worry and wake up crying. But thats not that often. Its not like every night that I would when I was younger and I just knew the phone would ring and they’d say you jackknifed and you were dead.
You’re older now. I think you’re actually past social security age and thats pretty good. that means you’re set for income. I heard from mom a few years back that you had to give up driving and I was sad and worried for you.
I hope you don’t think I blame you for the divorce. I did cry when I found out you cheated but I dunno why…lets just say i’m just a silly girl. I don’t blame you for the divorce. I blame…just bad timing, bad coupling. Mom is a hard woman. You know that.
I want to call you but…if I call then you’ll tell me something like your hearts been feeling weird lately and I will start to worry that every thing imaginable is going to happen to you and its insane because I know eventually you will die….and so I need to cherish this time with you and so that means I’m a selfish cunt (really sorry for the language) but um I’m also an insane cunt so my only option is to try to keep this distance between me and my family so I can believe that its okay because I can never fix everything. I can not take away my little brother’s illness. I can not fix….well a lot that’s wrong. But I love you so much. I love you so much. I pray for you nightly and I would give my life a thousand times over for you.
I want you to know that it’s because of you that to this day I like Sci Fi. Growing up I knew no other girl who’s dad sat her down for Saturday afternoon Doctor Who or Sunday Star Trek. So I got that love from you. Have you seen the new Doctor Who? Maybe I’ll try to get your address and send it to you. I wonder if you’ll like it. Also your love of music…I got it to this day. I play a little of three instruments. I still remember playing with your guitar. Do you still have it?
Also totally got your gadget love. I , like you, collect lots of little gadgets that I probably don’t need but they’re just so cool that I have to have them. I also have a mate who says “But you don’t even need that”. I love technology and because of you I know way more about cars than pretty much everyone I know. Same for electronics. I can fix a plug and most small electronics. You did that. So I want to call you but just writing this has been hard and I….I can’t. I just can’t.
Yeah. I probably need therapy but that shit is expensive and kind’ve annoying. I only went a few times but I was like….yeaaah no. I still remember kissing you goodnight. Its definitely why I won’t let any guy I date have whiskers. I’ve often bitched (again sorry) through the years about the stigma of being a preachers daughter but….it’s better than being a politicians daughter and I believe Faith is a good thing. We probably disagree on a lot of fine points but that doesnt really matter. I am so happy that you were my father because I got see the other side of life. The fun. Mom was the tough one but you were the smiling one. So forgive me..please for not calling but know you are loved by this insane daughter who really hopes you’re doing great and I will continue praying for you every night and I just want you to know that I know that I am a better person because you were my father
Love,
April
