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Dear Dad…Daddy,

You won’t read this. It is impossible to think you would. Mom barely uses the internet and you probably have never logged on to a computer in your life. I say “probably” because I don’t know.

I’m sorry I won’t be calling you today. I don’t have your number. I write this letter in a pointless effort to appease my guilt while maintaining my fragile balance of sanity.

I grew up weird ya know? I’m a worrier. I’ve worried my whole life. I remember wondering what would happen when Jesus came back and freaking the fuck
(sorry)  out about it. You comforted me and you read to me about the new earth. “It’s daylight all the time. It’s a good place” you explained. As I was/am scared of the dark, this made me feel better but it’s one of the rare times you really could make me feel better.

Each night as I fell asleep I worried about you and mom. I don’t know why. Did I see some movie where the parents died? Did I know someone with dead parents? Not that I can remember. I just worried about you two. It probably didn’t help that mom worked a second shift which meant she wasn’t there when I got home from school or there when it was bed time. So I would stay up all night until I heard the jingle of her keys as she entered the house. And even then sometimes that wasn’t enough because you were away on the road. And I don’t blame you. I honestly don’t. You were both living in a hard city, raising a load of kids, and there wasn’t a lot of job options. I get it. You take the jobs that put food on the table. Even if you can’t tuck your kid in at night or be there for her sixth grade graduation.

But it’s because of these things that I couldn’t sleep at night. I worried. I worried about all the accidents that you could get in. I worried about all the robbers that could come into mom’s store and hurt her.  And sometimes despite all the trying in the world or the exhaustion that a body achieves, I couldn’t go to sleep even with the jangle of moms keys. I needed to hear the idling of your parked semi and the swish of the brakes that said “Dad’s home” before I could sleep and so when I got older I ran.

I ran away to college and stayed there. Because someway, somehow when I was further away from all my family I could imagine them in a happy place and they were all okay. They were fine. It makes no sense, trust me, I know but it worked for me. Somehow.

Ever so often I can’t sleep at night but a few episodes of futurama, home movies, or buffy and with a good dose of melatonin then I’m down.  But sometimes i dream and I worry and wake up crying. But thats not that often. Its not like every night that I would when I was younger and I just knew the phone would ring and they’d say you jackknifed and you were dead.

You’re older now. I think you’re actually past social security age and thats pretty good. that means you’re set for income.  I heard from mom a few years back that you had to give up driving and I was sad and worried for you.

I hope you don’t think I blame you for the divorce. I did cry when I found out you cheated but I dunno why…lets just say i’m just a silly girl.  I don’t blame you for the divorce. I blame…just bad timing, bad coupling. Mom is a hard woman. You know that.

I want to call you but…if I call then you’ll tell me something like your hearts been feeling weird lately and I will start to worry that every thing imaginable is going to happen to you and its insane because I know eventually you will die….and so I need to cherish this time with you and so that means I’m a selfish cunt (really sorry for the language) but um I’m also an insane cunt so my only option is to try to keep this distance between me and my family so I can believe that its okay because I can never fix everything. I can not take away my little brother’s illness. I can not fix….well a lot that’s wrong. But I love you so much. I love you so much. I pray for you nightly and I would give my life a thousand times over for you.

I want you to know that it’s because of you that to this day I like Sci Fi. Growing up I knew no other girl who’s dad sat her down for Saturday afternoon Doctor Who or Sunday Star Trek. So I got that love from you. Have you seen the new Doctor Who? Maybe I’ll try to get your address and send it to you. I wonder if you’ll like it. Also your love of music…I got it to this day. I play a little of three instruments. I still remember playing with your guitar. Do you still have it?

Also totally got your gadget love. I , like you, collect lots of little gadgets that I probably don’t need but they’re just so cool that I have to have them. I also have a mate who says “But you don’t even need that”. I love technology and because of you I know way more about cars than pretty much everyone I know.  Same for electronics. I can fix a plug and most small electronics. You did that. So I want to call you but just writing this has been hard and I….I can’t. I just can’t.

Yeah. I probably need therapy but that shit is expensive and kind’ve annoying. I only went a few times but I was like….yeaaah no. I still remember kissing you goodnight. Its definitely why I won’t let any guy I date have whiskers.  I’ve often bitched (again sorry) through the years about the stigma of being a preachers daughter but….it’s better than being a politicians daughter and I believe Faith is a good thing. We probably disagree on a lot of fine points but that doesnt really matter. I am so happy that you were my father because I got see the other side of life. The fun. Mom was the tough one but you were the smiling one. So forgive me..please for not calling but know you are loved by this insane daughter who really hopes you’re doing  great and I will continue praying for you every night and I just want you to know that I know that I am a better person because you were my father

Love,

April

Thaaaaaa

I suppose everyone has seen Matt Smith as the new doctor by now and you probably like him.  It’s okay that you like him. This isn’t a throwdown of Doctor’s here. It’s not Team Ten or Team Eleven because we all know Team Four would womp both of them. At the end of the day I didn’t like the look of Matt Smith before he came on as the new doctor and now that I’ve seen him in action he is written way different than I expected but I don’t want him. Not yet anyway. I loved Ten. I loved him so much and I know it’s silly because it’s not like he wrote those episodes and I should probably be lamenting RTD leaving as well but who really thinks about writers anyway?

On the absolute worst day of my life. I mean that day. That day we all have where we seriously want to know “what’s the point of sticking around anyway?” I was sat in my bed having those thoughts when Ten showed up. He showed up for a special and I laughed. I knew that things were going to be okay. I’m sure you think its ridiculous to think of it that way but I am so thankful for the writers who could write such a great episode of television. And I am grateful for the actor who could portray someone so perfectly that I believed all the words, actions, and resolutions. So I’m rather attached to Ten. But outside of that eleven…he punched someone in the promo I saw. And he was shooting a gun? and ya know at first I was quite annoyed with the word “reboot” being used with regards to this but maybe it is a reboot. Maybe I need to think of this as a whole new show because that’s not my doctor…..my doctor is funny and this doctor  hasn’t made me laugh yet. My doctor is handsome and this guy is well…not. My doctor is cool under pressure and this guy sweats…he sweats under the tiniest of pressure. So I dunno. Also I’m just not happy with the reuse of the angel statues that quick….which is ya know..just my hang up. The whole thing is my hang up.  I’ve talked about years of the idea of bonding the role of Indiana Jones but apparently unless I’ve seen the actor before in Harry Potter then I wouldn’t approve.

My birthday is coming soon. Very soon. I just got terribly depressed about it but I guess for now I’m okay because as um my pet rat which isn’t really a rat rather a puppet that I stick my hand up and make its mouth move said to me “Life is going to happen so just appreciate it”  which doesn’t sound very eloquent but it made me feel better. Smart rat.

I really wanted an Ipad. Its a useless thing really. It has no practical application that I can think of but it looks cool. It looks like a cool, future pad that Ive seen in a billionty sci fi movies and so I wanted it but I’m putting it off for a bit.  If it gets flash then I’ll be there in a second and I’ll elbow anyone who tries to stop me.

I am watching the Vicar of Dibley. I like Dawn French in this and nothing else.

I hate this elizajoes chick on Ebay. I’m gonna leave her bad, bad, bad feedback.

I was thinking of writing some YA. I’ve never been interested before but I happened upon an idea I like and its amusing me to write. Its so easy to write….ya know…simple things. Most of my ideas are all….well erm…kinda high concept and they’re becoming a drag to write. I just want a nice simple story for once.

And that is all.

I’ve had blogs since before they were called blogs. My first online journal was in 1997 but nowadays its just too hard for me to blog constantly. Still I want to push this to a weekly thing.  A few updates.

1) We moved to a new wonderrific apartment. new photos coming.

2) I’ve taken two paid blog jobs so yay.

3) My  real job is going really great.

4) My bunny has gotten into an odd licking my fingers habit

5) I’m with Conan.

And I can’t figure out why. I mean these 7 different sections in the store totally should’ve kept it afloat.

I know that there aren’t people out there like me. I wish there were. The fact of the matter is that when I walk outside my apartment and look over at the trash bin and see this.

I don’t have normal thoughts like other people. I don’t think oh some kid has probably torn a hole in their stuffed toy so an adult has thrown it out. My first thought was that it was an alien and this was the form they chose to invade our world before killing us all. I wish I didn’t have this thought for long before getting into my car and then driving away but I didn’t. You see I had the idea that if I stared at the plushy alien then it couldn’t move and therefore not begin the attack. I looked at it a bit before going inside and staring at it through the window but then……it stated moving. It didn’t feel windy enough to move even a lightly stuffed animal of that size. So in order to save the world I went to get a closer look. And it didn’t really less my worry at first. Not only did this alien come in this crazy form but it had fangs

And then I got closer and realized it was had some evil dracula collar thing going on with this weird red thing on his eye.

And at that point I figured it really was just an old stuffed animal that was apparently dressed up for Halloween and was now of no use to anyone. But for a good 15 minutes of my day I was on the front lines of an alien invasion.

In other news I went to the hair store aka the black people store where the girls go to buy their hair and other accoutrement. I wanted to find some new curly hair with a big curl but instead on the $5.99 wigs table I found this. I knew I needed to own it. I didn’t know at what point I would wear it just that it had to be mine. Here’s hoping there is some ridiculous costume  big July 4th celebration where this will come in handy.

Today is a day which needs to be spent getting things done.  Tonight will be seeing Kevin Smith at House of Blues. Fingers crossed that half of the questions asked aren’t answered with stories I’ve already heard a million times.

This year has been weird for me job wise and its kinda sad to report that I’ve had 4 jobs in less than 10 months. I started the year with the job I had for the past 2 years. I worked in bankruptcy and as much as I did enjoy about 25% of the job the other 75% was filled with my boss who can best be described as a Southern Michael Scott who also happens to be ex military and is also very short. These things weighed heavily into his personal makeup as a person. He seemed to be trying most of his life to make up for how short he was and how he got kicked out of the military. “Listen to me down here,” he’d cry out with his overreaction to any and every thing. He actually was a joke around the company and a variety of people did impersonations of him re-telling a ridiculous story in which he saved the day about something business related. He was also an alcoholic divorcee with a child who participated in pre-teen beauty pageants.  And though I’ve told you quite a bit about the man to actually know how this man can turn a fun get together about decorating our cubicles for Halloween into a meeting in which every one left mad, annoyed and one person quit is still something you cant possibly grasp.  Around my birthday I had become fed up not just with him but with the job itself and I quit. I was asked to come back and I did and that didn’t work out either so I ended up at Hilton. That is actually a whole other story (and blog I started then ended) but suffice to say I quit that job too. The only thing I got out of that job in the end was that when Connie Hilton was added as a character on Mad Men I know who he was.

So now I am at a new job. It’s weird when you say every thing happens for a reason. If I had let just one straw go at the first job then I would still be there. I would be making a lot more money but I would still be mentally exhausted every day I left work. I’d still be able to shock people with the fact that I could actually go in to work at 8am and leave as 12am and it wasn’t seen as anything odd in my department. If I could have stomached Hilton’s ridiculous inept ability to do anything right (God Bless you if you ever have to deal with anyone outside of the Hotel itself you have my sympathy) then I’d still be there. If I actually showed up to Bank of America for the first day of the job they offered me on a temporary but highly lucrative basis then I’d probably be out of a job right now and possibly worried about the future but instead I ended up at Capital One and I really quite dig the job and the company. This is weird because I usually can tell  if  I will hate  a company within days of being there. It is actually months later and I still love the company and the job. I’m doing well at it better than seasoned veterans plus I could see myself being there for a few years (or at least until the book deal comes through).

But there is this thing and I know it can’t happen to me. One  random day you are sat working  away then you travel through time and see yourself doing the exact same thing or something quite similar ten years from now. You see yourself just a little aged. Perhaps a co-worker stops by to tell a joke and you laugh. You get up to get some coffee. You check your jet pack level on your cell-comm (because this is the future after all) and you stare out the window before coming back to your desk and you think ” WTF how can I still be at this job? Why am I not out on the world?”  And I had that moment the other day. I am consistently filled with wanderlust to just go and be out in the world.

An often lament of the rich (because I imagine this as I don’t hang out with millionaires on a daily basis) is that life is boring and there’s nothing interesting to do. The lament of the not-quite-poor-as-to-need-money-for-a-goat-but-not-quite-rich-as-to-not-work-and-travel-about (other than that week or two that your company so generously gives you) is that life is boring as well and it takes much more money than we have to do almost everything. We really should pair up all the poor people with the rich people and go out and do stuff.

“Oh my rich buddy took me to France the other day! It was so much fun and I saw the Eiffel tower and OMG it was amazing”

and the rich person would say

“Oh I took my poor buddy to France the other day. Can you believe it the poor thing was excited to see some big hunk of rusting metal. It was just so funny to see how excited they were that I had fun too.”

See it could all work out. For any person interested in being my rich buddy my email address is thepiratesdaughter -at- g (as in you have gobs of money) mail.com

Also for anyone interested in what slutty, trampy, or whorey costume I chose for Halloween I was a Pirate. I wrote a back story that really isn’t that interesting but think Les Mis *on a boat.

*Note: Any one who wants to mashup “les mis” with “im on a boat” would so have my appreciation.

I was going to start a blog about fashion but googled and found there were plenty out there and besides I don’t even know that much about fashion just that I appreciate when it looks good. I next decided I was just going to write a blog about my life and call it “I don’t like many people and technology also lets me down at times also my life is weird but I keep living it and my ex boyfriend really sucks  and I hate him and his stupid new girlfriend and their mentally challenged baby which makes me a really bad person and I weigh too much and I don’t write enough but I have a pretty good boyfriend and my new job is pretty calm so what do I have to complain about really?” but as you may have realized that is way too long and gives away too much information. You probably already hate me now anyway.  So who am I? I know its really popular for people to mention they’ve been blogging since the internet was invented but I haven’t. However I have been blogging since 1997 on my personal websites at angelfire, tripod, geocities and wbspages. Yup i’ve been blogging and despite all that I’m only 27. Not that old really. I’m a writer but the kind that doesn’t actually produce anything and really has issues with grammar.  So I start a new blog. I’d like to also add this now so that any bloggers won’t hate me if (when?) it happens. If a book publisher or Hollywood exec comes along and throws a slew of money at me to convert this over then I am so totally for sale.  Tomorrow is Halloween and I have to go throw together a costume. As I am a girl, I will of course be dressing up as something slutty, whorey, or trampy.  And with that Welcome to Pirates Daughter–A Blog About Stealing The Good Moments Of Life Away From All The Crap….no that title won’t work either. I’ll work on that.